I despise paper. Its very existence bothers me. Each and every piece of A3, 4 and 5 I see lying on a table are little reminders to me of one thing; I am hopelessly inefficient.
Only I'm not.
Granted, where paper is concerned I am a studied buffoon. I can pick up a piece of paper, walk down a straight corridor and by the time I reach the end, I've lost it.
My suffering lasted years. Lost annual leave requests and missing supervision notes and the like gave me a regular dose of humiliation. Weekly filing regimes would turn into exponential dead time drudgery.
Back then, I laboured under the misapprehension that it was just part of any job to deal with paper. The daily grind. Well it's not.
I have now rejected paper in the workplace. However, I had a stroke of luck. I was fortunate to have a leak in my office when I first started my current job. It meant that I had to clear all the files out of there. The fusty smell of wet paper still hangs in the air to this day. I like it too. It smells like the corpse of Papyrus, the Greek god of Humiliation.
So here's your top ten tips to topple paper worship:
1) Have a handy leak in your office to get rid of all the nasty paper. Last thing on Friday, soak everything you can. When Monday arrives you can breathe in that fusty goodness.
2) Banish paper from coming in to your office. (I admit it, I have ONE lever arch file to store signed contracts)
3) Get rid of your printers. (I do not possess a printer at work or home) Buy a scanner instead.
4) Never use the photocopier.
5) Change every system that is within your power to require digital submission.
6) You are not a postman. "No! I am not delivering your stupid paper to head office"
7) Never pick up meeting minutes or the inevitable inch thick 'bundle' of stupid paper.
8) Flog and maim the most severe and wanton wood wasters. (reams of single sided photocopying churning out, results in a crack-like induced psychosis for me)
9) Ask for a digital copy of everything. If it's unable to be provided by a subordinate, sit patiently in silence until they realise you're waiting for them to say yes.
10) Do not keep information from any source that you are unable to digitally store.
And finally. The most important really.
Buy an iPhone.
